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I often find myself writing these posts when I'm not feeling so good so I'm going to begin by talking about how good the last 2 months have been.

I've just had the most active summer I have had in years. When the kids were off school we went out everyday on their bikes, to the park to the beach and on the weekends when Ben was home we ventured further afield, exploring castles, different beaches, towns. It was wonderful to be able to do so much!

Since the girls went back to school 3 weeks ago I've been able to sort through the house, garage, loft, finally sorting through years worth of junk, getting rid of tons and re organising what's left. Putting finishing touches to rooms. I cannot begin to describe how satisfying this has been.

But then I caught a cold, I pushed through for a week and carried on, but this last week I have had an almighty crash. I have no energy, mega brain fog, my body temp is all over the place, I've got a horrid headache I can't shift and have been feeling nauseous all week. 

I haven't had any choice but to give in and rest as best I can. It is just so frustrating, infuriating, depressing, not knowing how long this crash will last. Will I wake up fine tomorrow or is this back to square one for total rebuild?

Yes that sounds pessimistic but it is hard not to be. 

I had been doing so well I had even started thinking about the possibility of working again. I haven't worked in almost 8 years. 

I'll stop my moaning now, everyone has bad days, mine are nothing special. Please send positive thoughts my way and excuse my general on another planetness. 

Electric Mayhem!

You may remember Kermit, Kermit was my lifeline when my eldest started school. It was the only way I could ferry her to and from school. It was a way to get out of the house without being reliant on others.
For a very long time even with the help of Kermit I was still a quivering wreck by the end of the week most weeks.

Kermit spent 3 years with us doing the school run, but with both girls there now and getting bigger (now 7&5) it was becoming apparent that they were getting too big to be on the back.

So back to the drawing board we went. I am a lot better (most of the time) than I was 3 years ago when we got Kermit, but I'm still not up to the walk on a twice daily basis and still have big ups and downs. I wasn't keen on an electric bicycle, still don't want a mobility scooter or a car... Hmm, how about a scooter, an electric one at that?

Well first I ordered one of those "electric scooters" which are basically a kids scooter. It took me a whole 100yrds before it gave up. Then I ordered the adult version which weighed in at 40kgs and quite frankly looked scary, so we sent that back. 

Then I came across adult kick scooters. It was a revelation. Basically a bicycle that you stand on, so I challenged my husband to convert one to electric for me! 

We had lots of hurdles a false start or two, but I have now been riding around on it since the end of July!

My girls discovered a love of cycling this summer and together we racked up about 80 miles through the holidays, it was amazing to be able to leave the house with them and for them to come back more tired than me (well once maybe)!

Now school has started back the girls can ride, scoot or walk to school and I can safely ride along behind them keeping them safe, perfect!
I'm not sure how enthusiastic they will be when the cold wet weather sets in, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

So Kermit has now gone to a new home where it is still getting plenty of use and is much loved by the new owners.

So without further ado let me introduce "Electric Mayhem"!

M.E. Awareness Month

May is ME Awareness month, more specifically May 12th is ME Awareness day. 

This is the time when many ME sufferers do a giant push of fundraising and awareness building. This year there are many fundraising ideas out there, but I couldn't decide what to do.

Shall I be a princess? #teamprincess

Should I shave my head? 

Oh hang on, I did that one.

Or how about a superhero? #undiesontheoutside

I could wear my ME Association attire...

Or I could GO BLUE! #goblueforME

As you can see I have had a play with all of the above (it was a lot of fun!)

In case you missed it, last May I was a princess, and back in September I shaved my head, all to raise funds for the ME Association and awareness of this horrible illness.

Why you ask? Because I have personally given 6 years of my life to ME. Others have given far more. There is currently no cure for ME, and no reliable treatment plan. Funding for research, support and generally more understanding is much needed.

So please share this blog, my fundraising page https://www.justgiving.com/goblue and as many of my photos that you see. I want as many people as possible out there to know what M.E. is.

Anxiety

Anxiety.

A year ago I didn't really know what anxiety was. Now I am all too aware.

It is getting worse and I don't know how to stop it.

I feel I am turning into a hermit.

It is not there all the time, but I feel it every time I have to leave the house under my own steam, or do something out of the ordinary.

Today I had to go into town. I had a cheque to bank and annoyingly my bank is not open on the weekends. Just thinking about this addition to my day was making me anxious. It took a great deal to pack my bag ready to leave the house and half way there I had an overwhelming urge to turn around and go home. But I kept telling myself "don't be stupid" "you can do this" "it is only a trip to the shops".

I made it into town 40mins before the bank opened. The coffee shop was open so I bought a mocha and a packet of pecan pies which I took to the beach. As a rule i don't have caffeine and highly restrict sugar, but felt I needed some courage. Of course the actual effect was a shaky high which probably didn't help.

I ran my errands came home and collapsed on the sofa where I don't want to move from any time soon. I watched what I thought was a kids film and cried.

I am pale as a sheet, dizzy and very glad I don't have to go out again today.

How do I make this anxiety go away? This is not me.

I used to love going out. I used to walk and walk and walk, always, I loved it. If I walk more than half a mile now the pain and fatigue are all encompassing.

This is me.

This is me, take me or leave me.

I am a shy person who occasionally does bold things like dye my hair blue, or shave it all off.

I took GCSE drama, performed in the school choir, and love to dance, yet one of the things I hate most is getting up in front of people and being noticed.

I also hate talking on the telephone and do avoid it as much as possible (apologies to those who do try to phone me).

I like wearing unshapely comfy clothes, which yes mostly come from the men's section in the clothes store, and yes tend to make me look boyish - especially with the shaved head. This does not mean I wish I were a boy, I just like to be comfy and I value that more than being accepted.

I do not wear makeup. Once upon a time I did try. I didn't like it. I think people are beautiful as they are and there is no need to paint on a face for the world to see. However I can appreciate why people like it, and that some use it to hide behind. I hide behind my sunglasses, I feel slightly uneasy on really dark days or rainy days when I can't wear them.

Vanity is a stress I do not need in my life. 

I'm beginning to learn that wherever I am (my home excluded) I always feel a little out of place, that is just me. 

As an adult I'm still not sure how to make friends. When the kids were younger I'd instigate play dates, but how does it work when they are at school? I chat to people online all the time, that is easy, but in real life? I struggle... I feel awkward and chat does not flow. I guess this will get easier with practice.

I like doing nice things for people. I like giving gifts when they are unexpected or needed rather than when it is appropriate to. I have just joined a Happy Mail group which I hope will open my eyes to new ways in which I can make people happy.

I feel like I am writing to justify myself, which isn't needed, but I'm writing it anyway.

Scared

Earlier today I wrote a post about having my hair cut off, which is all very well and good and some may find interesting, but it has totally masked how I am actually feeling about life at the moment.

Last week my youngest started school. The school run generally I struggle with and on my bad weeks I have been known to be a tearful wreck by Friday. Last week I was a tearful wreck by Wednesday... I put this down to the added anxiety, stress of my youngest starting school. Although I wasn't worried, I knew she was going to love it and be fine.

My lovely monsters shared their back to school cold with me so that hasn't helped this week, and actually I managed a little better, I wasn't a tearful wreck until Thursday! And I managed to get my paints out Wednesday - which is a mega bonus.

But Thursday, Friday and now today I have been completely and utterly drained. On returning from taking the kids to school I have sat down and pretty much not moved until it was time to pick them up again. 

This huge backwards leap in energy has me scared. Scared that I am not improving but in fact getting worse. This is of course unrealistic thinking. There are always set backs, especially when routine is changed, and I never remember how bad the bad days are after a spell of feeling a little better.

As I write this I'm getting a sense of de ja vu at having written something very similar before, which only emphasises the fact that you do almost immediately forget how bad it can get.

So please excuse my ramblings, I obviously needed to write this in order to help me remember that this is how it goes and it will get better again.

Confessions of a hairless ME

Well it has been one week since I took the plunge and shaved all my hair off!

In the week leading up to the event people kept stopping me and asking if I was nervous - I was not. Then people seemed keen to come and watch, so I opened it up to have people around to watch.

On the morning of the event I was exhausted and more nervous about having an audience then I was having my hair shaved off!

Half way through the cutting my eldest daughter (6) disappeared upstairs, when it was finished and I went to find her she was in her bed crying and she wouldn't look at me. She said she didn't like my new hair. I told her to remember that I was still me and what I look like makes no difference to who I am. She did eventually appear back downstairs (with a little hot chocolate bribery), and after not very long was wanting to take me out and show me off to everyone!

My husband who is hairless had warned me that it would be cold, but I wasn't quite prepared for the sensation of having no hair!

It has been a cold rainy week here, so mostly when leaving the house I have been in a hat. Not because I don't want to show off my new hair, but because I'm not quite ready to get a cold wet head!

I have managed 1 or 2 school runs without the hat which have only met with positive comments.

But here are my 'confessions'.

I couldn't look in a mirror until Wednesday without thinking "wow that's strange, what did I do!"

I can't stop running my hands threw it - it is a lovely feeling.

It is surprisingly cold and I have spent much time in the house wearing a hat!

I am amazed at how quickly it grows!

It does look better than I had feared it might, though I don't love it as much as I had hoped!

It has taken away the irritation that I often feel with my hair, but has left me with a new irritation, but I am hoping that will pass as it grows a little.

All in all I am thrilled with how much money I have made for the ME Association, very pleased I have finally gone through with it, and haven't experienced any negativity only a couple of odd looks and double takes.