Anxiety returns

I haven't written much about anxiety here on my blog. Thankfully these days it isn't a huge problem, well that was until last week.

My bodies favourite party trick is to pass out, mostly when there is something slightly squiffy going on with my stomach. It happened enough to get noticed when I was a kid and in very particular episodes since I've been an adult.

A few years ago I was quite unwell but had to walk my daughter to the end of the road to hand her over to someone else to take her to school. I made it almost all the way home before collapsing on the pavement. That episode sparked a year of pretty intense anxiety relating to leaving the house on my own.

Well, I've been feeling squiffy for a couple of weeks, nothing major, just stomach pain, nausea, and quite frankly I'm getting bored of it now. I roped in others to help with the school run when I actually felt like passing out was a possibility, but last Friday I felt alright, nauseous and in pain, but alright. That was until I really wasn't alright. I found myself laying on the floor at the school gate watching the other parents filter past me (I may have made that sound a little more dramatic than it was). Luckily a group of my friends were there and promptly got me a lift home and collected the kids. Sorted.

Except now, I'm still not right, still nauseous, generally not 100% and really rather anxious about the school gate.

I am a compulsively early person which means I often spend great chunks of time waiting at the school gate. This week I have tried very very hard to leave later and be "on time" but still found myself early. This afternoon I arrived 4 mins before the gate opened and it took every trick I know not to have a full blown panic attack. Which is utterly ridiculous.

I've come home tired, fed up of feeling ill and quite stressed about how this anxiety is escalating.

Anyway, there isn't really a point to this except to let people know where I am at so they can distract me when I undoubtedly continue to arrive early.

ME Awareness Day 2018

Today is ME Awareness day as I'm sure you are well aware from all the posts I've been sharing.

I've been wondering all week what my blog today was going to be about. I had a couple of false starts and this morning decided that I didn't HAVE to write a blog just because it is awareness day. But then I was chatting to a friend and it suddenly became clear what I should write.

I've been reading over the last week a whole load of #millionsmissing posts, which is a marvelous campaign and I hope the various demonstrations around the world today have opened eyes. What I've learnt (though really knew anyway) from reading these posts is that I am lucky.

I am not bedbound, I am not housebound, tubefed, paralysed, unable to face light, sound, company.

The diagnosis of ME covers such a broad spectrum of symptoms it is crazy that they can band it all under the same name.

My specialist used to get me to rate my health in terms of % and it is something that has stuck in my mind and can be a useful tool to mark progress. As some of you will know I've not had the best 2018 health-wise so far suffering a pretty major set back at the start of the year. I'd say I am currently hovering around 55% but have been as low 25%. (I have now been staring at those numbers for 10 mins wondering if they are right, hmm)

I have only in the last month or so began to feel like I am participating in 2018 and not just watching it roll on by.

So yes, I am lucky.

But then on the flip side.

I took my girls this morning to a local Kwik cricket club. This was the first time they have shown any interest in the game and I was quite excited. Being there made me realise how much I miss playing the game and teaching others the skills. It also made me realise that I haven't even taught my kids how to throw and catch a tennis ball. But after standing in a field for an hour I was completely floored and fully reminded of why I can't do it.

There are when I think about it so many things that I miss doing.

But life evolves, you adapt to what you can do and try not to dwell on what you can't.

So yes, I am lucky.

Kickscoot The Coast - The Tortoise And The Hare

A year ago today I set off on my first big scoot, the beginning of an epic adventure!

I had no idea how far I would get nor how scooting that far would effect me physically.

That first scoot surpassed all expectations! 26 miles were achieved. Each scoot since has bought a different challenge be it map reading, steep hills, endurance, health, weather, but I have enjoyed every one and can't wait to get back out on that coastal path.

I had planned to get back out this week but bad weather and poor health have made me reconsider.

When doing any sort of fundraising with ME the fundraising advisor always reminds us not to over do it, not to push too hard, our health is more important.

I suffered a major health set back in January which I am still trying to claw my way back out of. Rest, rest and more rest is about all I can manage at the moment.

The scooter itself recently ticked over the 1000 mile mark (I use it day to day to get the kids to school, etc) and now has two lovely new tyres, new handlebars and a rear brake (for the first time ever!) So when I do set off again I will be significantly safer. 

I really do hope to get back out there on my scoot as soon as I can and I have absolutely no intention of giving up! I told my husband I wanted to complete this by the time I am 40, which gives me 7 more years 😉

Slow and steady, the tortoise will win this race.

Sport Relief

Today is sport relief day which means my kids had to choose a sporting hero to go to school as. 

Now being 6 & 8 and not having an overly sport loving family means they don't know any sports people never mind sports hero's.

Both girls have opted to go to school today as me. This is an interesting decision as I'm not a glowing example of sporting prowess. Well I'm not these days. But once upon a time...

Once upon a time I loved sport.

When I was a kid I would spend my weekends and holidays riding my bike, my skates, playing football, cricket or generally running around the countryside.

I found an intrigue for cricket at a very young age and a love for it as soon as I was old enough to play.

When I started secondary school I was already playing cricket for the Kent juniors.

I think I played 4 seasons for them, I am still very proud to be able to say I played for my county.

In those years I showed lots of promise in training and was excellent in the nets, sadly I never managed to transfer my skills to matches! I think I would have made a great coach.

However two of the other girls I played with through those years went onto have brilliant cricketing careers playing for England and taking them to many victories!

Through my secondary school years I played football, cricket and somewhat reluctantly hockey for the school teams. I found enjoyment in basketball and absolutely loved badminton.

You are probably expecting me to say that my ME made me give up on sport, but actually that isn't the case. Being a teenager made me give up on sport. Discovering a social life, getting a moped and finding life outside of the village. Who knows if I would have gone back to it had I not then fallen ill at 16.

I like to think I would.

As an adult I look back with fond memories as well as sadness that I no longer do any of these sports. It seems rather hard to do sports as an unfit adult. You can go so many things solo, go to the gym, do fitness classes, run and there are various teams for the dedicated, but I'm yet to find anything casual I could pop in and out of when my health allows.

Flare

I appear to be having what I am going to call an ME flare. Which I would say is worse than a crash but not as bad as a relapse.

I did far too much through December. I ignored the odd symptom that reared it's head and I pushed through. I did this because I was having a glimpse of a "normal" life and I wanted it to be mine. And now I really wish I hadn't!

I started feeling the onset of this "flare" before Christmas but I continued to push on. It wasn't until the kids went back to school that it has really begun to take hold. Three weeks on and I still feel like I am getting worse not better, I am getting different symptoms coming back everyday.

I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I have been utterly miserable the last few weeks. Feeling this illness grab a hold of me again, I can't even begin to describe how that feels, having been doing so well.

I have been beating myself up about it over and over again (which of course only makes it worse). One of the ways in which I've been beating myself up has been pushing my friends and any help offered away. I've been deliberately not engaging in conversation, avoiding eye contact. Partly because any sympathy offered is likely to make me cry and I don't have the energy for that!

But as I said I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself! I need to regain my positivity. Remember how to pace from square one again, how to look after myself. And most of all how to BEAT THIS!

I CAN DO THIS!

Send me strength and spoons x

New Year - New You?

Tis the season for re-evaluating life, figuring out what is important and if/how things need to change.

I have just had possibly the busiest December since I stopped working pantomimes. Looking back it is mostly a blur and I now feel worse than I have in months.

To the extent that during December many old symptoms returned like over sensitivities - on one particular day I actually wanted to pull my hair out, so I shaved it off instead. My sleep patterns have become disturbed again, with night sweats, many many dreams and early hours waking. Not to mention some brand new symptoms. So it is definitely time now to rest and try and find my way back to a better place.

It was my birthday yesterday. As a rule I like birthdays, but I don't like having a birthday on January 3rd. The lull after Christmas is never fun, everyone getting back to work, bad weather. So first change, perhaps from now on I should celebrate my birthday in July?

Second change. I enjoy crafting, but I don't enjoy selling. I didn't much enjoy the craft fairs I did in December. I found them stressful to prepare for and to participate in. So perhaps this year all art and craft should be souly for myself. Which leaves me with the slight conundrum of what to do with the stock that didn't sell - but I see many random acts of kindness, abandoning projects in their future, which makes me happy.

I plan to revisit art journalling and give bullet journalling a go.

This time last year I wrote a bucket list, over the course of the year I ticked off kayaking, Segway at Leeds castle and made a start on my epic kickscoot the coast. I think I need to update the list with new ideas but I would like to tick a few more items off the list this year, perhaps rock climbing and snow tubing?

I would also like to get further in my scoot. So far I have covered 111 miles and have got to Bexhill-On-Sea.  The rest of the journey is going to be far slower progress the further away I get but I am very much looking forward to the challenge.

I discovered geocaching last year. I knew about before, but had never given it a try. I am still very much a beginner, but it has taken us as a family to places we wouldn't otherwise have visited and given us more time together and outside having fun. So this year my aim is to do more of this. There is a very social local group so I hope to join them for some get togethers too.

Accountability

A wise lady keeps reminding me that I need to be accountable for my health. I need to put my aims out there, tell the world, let people know what I am trying to achieve and who knows maybe others can then help me, spur me on, encourage the changes I need to make?

My health has come along way in the last year but there is so much more I could be doing to help myself. My diet has gone miles down hill since new shops opened a very short scoot from my house. More and more often I'm "treating" myself, rewarding myself for the trip to the shops, or for a job well done, or just because it's Monday...

This needs to change.

I would also like to incorporate some gentle exercise into my routine, but this is far trickier than managing my diet. I have to factor in pacing and recovery time. I used to love exercise. I used to walk everywhere. I still miss playing cricket and badminton. But aside from the logistics of getting back into sports it is also unrealistic.

So, things I can do to help myself;

• Meal plan,
• Stop "treating" myself,
• Walk a little more of the school run,
• Take the basketball to the court once a week,
• Make daily stretches part of my routine.

Right, that's it, that is me being accountable, let's see if it works!

**Edit**

Having thought a bit more about this through the night I realise all of the above are targets for physical health, but mental health is just as important so perhaps I need to set targets there as well.

I have a very quiet life during the week usually, and I really do not crave a busy life, but a little more interaction with the outside world which doesn't happen via my phone screen would be nice. The highlight of my social week is the school run and some days that can come and go with barely a word spoken.

So perhaps I need to put myself out there. Not be scared of other people's busy lives. Ask the people I want to spend time with if they are free. Who knows I might be surprised?

This is probably the hardest target of all those set above.

All of this has come about from a bad week mentally and physically. Funny how bad times give you the encouragement for change.