To me anxiety = a nervous, scared feeling, extensive worry.
That was until I started reading Matt Haigs 'Reasons to stay alive' which is his personal story of depression & anxiety.
The way he describes anxiety made it take on a whole new meaning to me and brought into light some of the odd symptoms I sometimes feel.
In the early days of this relapse it was suggested I be driven to the nearest town, escorted into the opticians for a second opinion then driven home again. I couldn't even comprehend the idea of doing this. A normal activity, but it filled me with dread so much that I insisted it was not necessary and it didn't happen. This I knew was anxiety, it was a very clear irrational fear.
There have been other times in the last 2 years that have been less clear but I can now see were probably also anxiety and not just random M.E. symptoms.
I recall trips into town where every time I walked into a shop I felt dizzy and like there was not enough air.
On another occasion I had to walk to get my daughter from school as my trike had broken and the world seemed to spin with every step, I had a kind of tunnel vision, everything was a bit blurry.
Sometimes when collecting my daughter from school I stand in an alley in a que, I often feel claustrophobic standing there again like there's not enough air, I try to make small talk with whoever is standing near by as it helps take my mind off this strange feeling.
I've also realised recently that making plans makes me anxious. Gives me far too much time to think about the event.
I have just yesterday made plans to meet with a friend without the kids for a cuppa and a catch up in town at the end of the week. I am thrilled, it will be the first time I've done that in over 6 years. But with that excitement comes so much anxiety.
Will I be well enough to go, will I be able to hold a conversation without sounding stupid (adult conversation is something I lack).
I sometimes think short notice or spontaneous plans would be better for me because then I don't have any time to worry.
A friend the other day said they were passing but didn't want to pop in unannounced. I said next time please do! If I have no notice of guests then I don't spend far too many spoons trying to make myself and my house presentable. I know people tell me not to tidy on their account, but if I know someone is coming then I do rush around, partly because I am anxious about them coming!
But it is important not to confuse my anxiousness about people coming round and about making plans to go out as a desire not to do these things. I do actually love being social, going out, catching up with people.
In the last year I have learnt that anxiety, excitement, emotion if not kept in check are just as exhausting on the body as walking, talking and eating.
Pacing takes on a whole new significance when you add these into the equation.
How do you pace your emotions & excitement? I think that might be a question for another day.
