Anxiety returns

I haven't written much about anxiety here on my blog. Thankfully these days it isn't a huge problem, well that was until last week.

My bodies favourite party trick is to pass out, mostly when there is something slightly squiffy going on with my stomach. It happened enough to get noticed when I was a kid and in very particular episodes since I've been an adult.

A few years ago I was quite unwell but had to walk my daughter to the end of the road to hand her over to someone else to take her to school. I made it almost all the way home before collapsing on the pavement. That episode sparked a year of pretty intense anxiety relating to leaving the house on my own.

Well, I've been feeling squiffy for a couple of weeks, nothing major, just stomach pain, nausea, and quite frankly I'm getting bored of it now. I roped in others to help with the school run when I actually felt like passing out was a possibility, but last Friday I felt alright, nauseous and in pain, but alright. That was until I really wasn't alright. I found myself laying on the floor at the school gate watching the other parents filter past me (I may have made that sound a little more dramatic than it was). Luckily a group of my friends were there and promptly got me a lift home and collected the kids. Sorted.

Except now, I'm still not right, still nauseous, generally not 100% and really rather anxious about the school gate.

I am a compulsively early person which means I often spend great chunks of time waiting at the school gate. This week I have tried very very hard to leave later and be "on time" but still found myself early. This afternoon I arrived 4 mins before the gate opened and it took every trick I know not to have a full blown panic attack. Which is utterly ridiculous.

I've come home tired, fed up of feeling ill and quite stressed about how this anxiety is escalating.

Anyway, there isn't really a point to this except to let people know where I am at so they can distract me when I undoubtedly continue to arrive early.

ME Awareness Day 2018

Today is ME Awareness day as I'm sure you are well aware from all the posts I've been sharing.

I've been wondering all week what my blog today was going to be about. I had a couple of false starts and this morning decided that I didn't HAVE to write a blog just because it is awareness day. But then I was chatting to a friend and it suddenly became clear what I should write.

I've been reading over the last week a whole load of #millionsmissing posts, which is a marvelous campaign and I hope the various demonstrations around the world today have opened eyes. What I've learnt (though really knew anyway) from reading these posts is that I am lucky.

I am not bedbound, I am not housebound, tubefed, paralysed, unable to face light, sound, company.

The diagnosis of ME covers such a broad spectrum of symptoms it is crazy that they can band it all under the same name.

My specialist used to get me to rate my health in terms of % and it is something that has stuck in my mind and can be a useful tool to mark progress. As some of you will know I've not had the best 2018 health-wise so far suffering a pretty major set back at the start of the year. I'd say I am currently hovering around 55% but have been as low 25%. (I have now been staring at those numbers for 10 mins wondering if they are right, hmm)

I have only in the last month or so began to feel like I am participating in 2018 and not just watching it roll on by.

So yes, I am lucky.

But then on the flip side.

I took my girls this morning to a local Kwik cricket club. This was the first time they have shown any interest in the game and I was quite excited. Being there made me realise how much I miss playing the game and teaching others the skills. It also made me realise that I haven't even taught my kids how to throw and catch a tennis ball. But after standing in a field for an hour I was completely floored and fully reminded of why I can't do it.

There are when I think about it so many things that I miss doing.

But life evolves, you adapt to what you can do and try not to dwell on what you can't.

So yes, I am lucky.

Kickscoot The Coast - The Tortoise And The Hare

A year ago today I set off on my first big scoot, the beginning of an epic adventure!

I had no idea how far I would get nor how scooting that far would effect me physically.

That first scoot surpassed all expectations! 26 miles were achieved. Each scoot since has bought a different challenge be it map reading, steep hills, endurance, health, weather, but I have enjoyed every one and can't wait to get back out on that coastal path.

I had planned to get back out this week but bad weather and poor health have made me reconsider.

When doing any sort of fundraising with ME the fundraising advisor always reminds us not to over do it, not to push too hard, our health is more important.

I suffered a major health set back in January which I am still trying to claw my way back out of. Rest, rest and more rest is about all I can manage at the moment.

The scooter itself recently ticked over the 1000 mile mark (I use it day to day to get the kids to school, etc) and now has two lovely new tyres, new handlebars and a rear brake (for the first time ever!) So when I do set off again I will be significantly safer. 

I really do hope to get back out there on my scoot as soon as I can and I have absolutely no intention of giving up! I told my husband I wanted to complete this by the time I am 40, which gives me 7 more years 😉

Slow and steady, the tortoise will win this race.

Flare

I appear to be having what I am going to call an ME flare. Which I would say is worse than a crash but not as bad as a relapse.

I did far too much through December. I ignored the odd symptom that reared it's head and I pushed through. I did this because I was having a glimpse of a "normal" life and I wanted it to be mine. And now I really wish I hadn't!

I started feeling the onset of this "flare" before Christmas but I continued to push on. It wasn't until the kids went back to school that it has really begun to take hold. Three weeks on and I still feel like I am getting worse not better, I am getting different symptoms coming back everyday.

I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I have been utterly miserable the last few weeks. Feeling this illness grab a hold of me again, I can't even begin to describe how that feels, having been doing so well.

I have been beating myself up about it over and over again (which of course only makes it worse). One of the ways in which I've been beating myself up has been pushing my friends and any help offered away. I've been deliberately not engaging in conversation, avoiding eye contact. Partly because any sympathy offered is likely to make me cry and I don't have the energy for that!

But as I said I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself! I need to regain my positivity. Remember how to pace from square one again, how to look after myself. And most of all how to BEAT THIS!

I CAN DO THIS!

Send me strength and spoons x

Kickscoot The Coast: Winchelsea - Bexhill-On-Sea

Winchelsea - Bexhill-On-Sea

I am doing this scoot to raise awareness and funds for the ME Association so if you would like to you can sponsor me here.

Here are the links to the previous sections of this trek;
Whitstable - Broadstairs
Broadstairs - Walmer
Walmer - Capel-le-ferne
Capel-le-ferne - Littlestone
Littlestone - Rye

I didn't think I was going to get a scoot in this weekend, the weather forecast for Hastings yesterday was winds up to 60mph, torrential rain, then today wasn't supposed to be much better, but I checked the forecast this morning and it said 18mph winds and sunshine so I thought why not!

I started by skipping ahead just a little, I ended my last scoot in Rye which is a fair way inland and I wanted to start today by the sea! So please excuse my naughtiness, though I'm so glad I did it!

The start of my scoot was down a very windy stretch of road below a bank shielding me from the sea, after that I came face to face with my first hill. There were quite a few long winding, fairly steep hills. I didn't want to waste my battery by making the scooter work hard up these hills so I walked and it showed me just how fit I am not! My lungs were burning with the effort! It made me think "Why am I doing this again"? However it did warm me up and my multiple layers kept the warmth in for the rest of the scoot so I didn't get too cold!

Since my last scoot I have finally invested in a handlebar mount for my phone, so this is the first scoot I have done without having to stop and look at the map! It made such a difference, I wish I had started my adventure with it! Although my phone is also my camera, so it was a bit of a palava everytime I wanted to take a photo, but I percerviered and think I got some nice shots.

The joy of having to go up all these hills is that the view was spectacular and then of course you get to go back down the other side! Very carefully because I only have a front brake (must get a back brake fitted).

Once at the bottom of all the hills I found myself on Hastings seafront, which was very busy, people everywhere who were completely oblivious to cycles of any kind! I stopped here and had a chat with someone about my scooter and I took the opportunity to tell him all about the challenge I have set myself.

The next stage was wonderful, one of the nicest stretches of seafront so far. Possibly the prettiest cycle path I've ever traveled on too. A variety of interesting sculptures, lots of happy families out enjoying the sunshine.

Gorgeous sunshine bouncing off of the crashing waves, just beautiful, made me think "Yes! This is why I am doing this".

Next I found myself in Bexhill-On-Sea, I knew I was almost out of battery and that my family were somewhere nearby, so I stopped here. It felt like a good place to start next time, on a nice coastal path right by the beach.

The kids had spent the entire time in Edgerton Park which they happily took me to once we had had some lunch. This is an AMAZING park! Lots of lovely equipment and beautiful sculptures to see. I think they will enjoy coming back here when I head off for the next part of my epic adventure.

Oh yes and to top my day off I stopped right on the front to take a panoramic of the sea and a lovely lady came up to me to tell me how much she loved my hair, this made my day! I love when people go out of their way to compliment others especially if it is a genuine compliment to someone they don't even know.

Driving back tonight at 6pm has made me realise just how far I have come with my health over the last 4 years. 4½ years ago I vividly remember a family outing to KFC, I was driven from home to KFC where we ate then driven home and it floored me, I was exhausted before we had even left the house, but it was a special treat for the kids as they had been stuck inside with me being unwell for sometime. Skip to today, 2 hours running around the house making lunches, 1 hour drive, 1½ hours scooting/walking, 1½ hours in the park 1 hour drive, dinner out then ½ hour back home. I am still standing. I will probably have to write off most of the week as I will hardly be able to move for a day or so and energy levels will be very low, but still what an improvement!

Kickscoot the Coast: Littlestone - Rye

Littlestone - Rye.

Today I bombed through the first 5 miles to Dungeness as my family were waiting there to take photos.

I really like Dungeness and wish I had gone slower and stopped more through the reserve. I find it feels almost like a film set, like a land that time forgot. It is so vast and sparse with sporadic boat wrecks and interesting things to look at. One day I will go back and explore properly.

I was pretty sure looking at my map that I could go in on one road and out on another path, though once there it wasn't obvious but I did find my way. 

There is a footpath that runs around the perimeter of the power station and took me uncomfortably close to the hum, I followed before ducking through a gate and onto the main entrance road to the power station.

This was a fun road, large, well maintained and virtually traffic free!

This took me back onto the main road to Lydd. Once I had negotiated Lydd I then found myself on a lovely road side byway, which passed by many beautiful lakes and ponds, until I reached the sea wall just outside of Camber.

There was a fair wind blowing today and the sea was very rough - I told the kids not to bother as it was not a good day for building sandcastles, they were very dissapointed.

On the way out of Camber I found another lovely roadside byway, which then jumped across the main road and through a field before bringing me into Rye!

My battery had pretty much run out and I needed to stop for lunch, so this is where I finished my ride today.

We had a little wonder around the town and a play in the park before heading for home.

I think I might get one more scoot in before I have to think about the logistics of staying away as I get further down the coast.

For my next scoot I will start at Winchelsea as that is the next seaside part and that is what it is all about!

If you would like to you can sponsor me here.

Here are the links to the previous sections of this trek;
Whitstable - Broadstairs
Broadstairs - Walmer
Walmer - Capel-le-ferne
Capel-le-ferne - Littlestone

Kickscoot The Coast: Capel-le-ferne - Littlestone

Capel-le-ferne to Littlestone

Whoever thought it could be so difficult to get from Capel-le-ferne to Folkstone seafront! I started by following the cycle route 2 sign which took me down a tiny road with stunning views but at the end of that road there were no more signs! 

It took the best part of an hour to find my way down to the harbour, I must find a good handlebar mount for my phone so I don't have to keep stopping to check the map.

Eventually I did make it back to the coast and had a blissful couple of miles of coastal path before having to negotiate roads again in Hythe. Again the cycle route signs failed me, but I knew that route 2 at this point was going to go inland and bypass Dymchurch which I didn't want to do anyway, so after a brief stint by the canal I braved the footpath on the main road to Dymchurch, it was quite overgrown and I got pretty battered!

Once I found an entrance up on to the coastal walk outside of Dymchurch it was bliss! Wide flat paths, no cars, buses or branches and gorgeous sea views! By this point I could see my battery was running low so I didn't stop to take many photos. My battery gave out towards the end of this lovely path in Littlestone.

I had a stunning view while I ate my lunch and could see the lighthouses and power station tantalisingly close, but the map said that was another 5 miles away and I didn't want to push myself too much trying to get there, so next time...

If you would like to you can sponsor me here.

Here are the links to the previous sections of this trek;
Whitstable - Broadstairs
Broadstairs - Walmer
Walmer - Capel-le-ferne