Anxiety returns

I haven't written much about anxiety here on my blog. Thankfully these days it isn't a huge problem, well that was until last week.

My bodies favourite party trick is to pass out, mostly when there is something slightly squiffy going on with my stomach. It happened enough to get noticed when I was a kid and in very particular episodes since I've been an adult.

A few years ago I was quite unwell but had to walk my daughter to the end of the road to hand her over to someone else to take her to school. I made it almost all the way home before collapsing on the pavement. That episode sparked a year of pretty intense anxiety relating to leaving the house on my own.

Well, I've been feeling squiffy for a couple of weeks, nothing major, just stomach pain, nausea, and quite frankly I'm getting bored of it now. I roped in others to help with the school run when I actually felt like passing out was a possibility, but last Friday I felt alright, nauseous and in pain, but alright. That was until I really wasn't alright. I found myself laying on the floor at the school gate watching the other parents filter past me (I may have made that sound a little more dramatic than it was). Luckily a group of my friends were there and promptly got me a lift home and collected the kids. Sorted.

Except now, I'm still not right, still nauseous, generally not 100% and really rather anxious about the school gate.

I am a compulsively early person which means I often spend great chunks of time waiting at the school gate. This week I have tried very very hard to leave later and be "on time" but still found myself early. This afternoon I arrived 4 mins before the gate opened and it took every trick I know not to have a full blown panic attack. Which is utterly ridiculous.

I've come home tired, fed up of feeling ill and quite stressed about how this anxiety is escalating.

Anyway, there isn't really a point to this except to let people know where I am at so they can distract me when I undoubtedly continue to arrive early.

Anxiety

Anxiety.

A year ago I didn't really know what anxiety was. Now I am all too aware.

It is getting worse and I don't know how to stop it.

I feel I am turning into a hermit.

It is not there all the time, but I feel it every time I have to leave the house under my own steam, or do something out of the ordinary.

Today I had to go into town. I had a cheque to bank and annoyingly my bank is not open on the weekends. Just thinking about this addition to my day was making me anxious. It took a great deal to pack my bag ready to leave the house and half way there I had an overwhelming urge to turn around and go home. But I kept telling myself "don't be stupid" "you can do this" "it is only a trip to the shops".

I made it into town 40mins before the bank opened. The coffee shop was open so I bought a mocha and a packet of pecan pies which I took to the beach. As a rule i don't have caffeine and highly restrict sugar, but felt I needed some courage. Of course the actual effect was a shaky high which probably didn't help.

I ran my errands came home and collapsed on the sofa where I don't want to move from any time soon. I watched what I thought was a kids film and cried.

I am pale as a sheet, dizzy and very glad I don't have to go out again today.

How do I make this anxiety go away? This is not me.

I used to love going out. I used to walk and walk and walk, always, I loved it. If I walk more than half a mile now the pain and fatigue are all encompassing.

Anxiety

To me anxiety = a nervous, scared feeling, extensive worry.

That was until I started reading Matt Haigs 'Reasons to stay alive' which is his personal story of depression & anxiety.

The way he describes anxiety made it take on a whole new meaning to me and brought into light some of the odd symptoms I sometimes feel.

In the early days of this relapse it was suggested I be driven to the nearest town, escorted into the opticians for a second opinion then driven home again. I couldn't even comprehend the idea of doing this. A normal activity, but it filled me with dread so much that I insisted it was not necessary and it didn't happen. This I knew was anxiety, it was a very clear irrational fear.

There have been other times in the last 2 years that have been less clear but I can now see were probably also anxiety and not just random M.E. symptoms.

I recall trips into town where every time I walked into a shop I felt dizzy and like there was not enough air. 

On another occasion I had to walk to get my daughter from school as my trike had broken and the world seemed to spin with every step, I had a kind of tunnel vision, everything was a bit blurry.

Sometimes when collecting my daughter from school I stand in an alley in a que, I often feel claustrophobic standing there again like there's not enough air, I try to make small talk with whoever is standing near by as it helps take my mind off this strange feeling.

I've also realised recently that making plans makes me anxious. Gives me far too much time to think about the event.

I have just yesterday made plans to meet with a friend without the kids for a cuppa and a catch up in town at the end of the week. I am thrilled, it will be the first time I've done that in over 6 years. But with that excitement comes so much anxiety.

Will I be well enough to go, will I be able to hold a conversation without sounding stupid (adult conversation is something I lack). 

I sometimes think short notice or spontaneous plans would be better for me because then I don't have any time to worry.

A friend the other day said they were passing but didn't want to pop in unannounced. I said next time please do! If I have no notice of guests then I don't spend far too many spoons trying to make myself and my house presentable. I know people tell me not to tidy on their account, but if I know someone is coming then I do rush around, partly because I am anxious about them coming!

But it is important not to confuse my anxiousness about people coming round and about making plans to go out as a desire not to do these things. I do actually love being social, going out, catching up with people.

In the last year I have learnt that anxiety, excitement, emotion if not kept in check are just as exhausting on the body as walking, talking and eating. 

Pacing takes on a whole new significance when you add these into the equation. 

How do you pace your emotions & excitement? I think that might be a question for another day.