Flare

I appear to be having what I am going to call an ME flare. Which I would say is worse than a crash but not as bad as a relapse.

I did far too much through December. I ignored the odd symptom that reared it's head and I pushed through. I did this because I was having a glimpse of a "normal" life and I wanted it to be mine. And now I really wish I hadn't!

I started feeling the onset of this "flare" before Christmas but I continued to push on. It wasn't until the kids went back to school that it has really begun to take hold. Three weeks on and I still feel like I am getting worse not better, I am getting different symptoms coming back everyday.

I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I have been utterly miserable the last few weeks. Feeling this illness grab a hold of me again, I can't even begin to describe how that feels, having been doing so well.

I have been beating myself up about it over and over again (which of course only makes it worse). One of the ways in which I've been beating myself up has been pushing my friends and any help offered away. I've been deliberately not engaging in conversation, avoiding eye contact. Partly because any sympathy offered is likely to make me cry and I don't have the energy for that!

But as I said I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself! I need to regain my positivity. Remember how to pace from square one again, how to look after myself. And most of all how to BEAT THIS!

I CAN DO THIS!

Send me strength and spoons x

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I often find myself writing these posts when I'm not feeling so good so I'm going to begin by talking about how good the last 2 months have been.

I've just had the most active summer I have had in years. When the kids were off school we went out everyday on their bikes, to the park to the beach and on the weekends when Ben was home we ventured further afield, exploring castles, different beaches, towns. It was wonderful to be able to do so much!

Since the girls went back to school 3 weeks ago I've been able to sort through the house, garage, loft, finally sorting through years worth of junk, getting rid of tons and re organising what's left. Putting finishing touches to rooms. I cannot begin to describe how satisfying this has been.

But then I caught a cold, I pushed through for a week and carried on, but this last week I have had an almighty crash. I have no energy, mega brain fog, my body temp is all over the place, I've got a horrid headache I can't shift and have been feeling nauseous all week. 

I haven't had any choice but to give in and rest as best I can. It is just so frustrating, infuriating, depressing, not knowing how long this crash will last. Will I wake up fine tomorrow or is this back to square one for total rebuild?

Yes that sounds pessimistic but it is hard not to be. 

I had been doing so well I had even started thinking about the possibility of working again. I haven't worked in almost 8 years. 

I'll stop my moaning now, everyone has bad days, mine are nothing special. Please send positive thoughts my way and excuse my general on another planetness. 

Waiting for the crash

Crashes are strange things

Sometimes if I have a friend round for the afternoon I can feel myself getting more and more tired and by the time they go I can hardly move. I think of this as a mini crash as it doesn't seem to flow over into the following days (or not too badly anyway).

Other times I seem to be able to get away with doing much more but the crash is delayed. 

Take this week for example, I went on a mini holiday. 5 hours in the car there, 2 nights in a hotel, 7 hours in the car on the way home. That in itself is exhausting, but then add to that I was constantly surrounded by people, family, children, noise. During those 3 days we ventured to 2 parks, an animal petting farm, had a picnic, went to 2 cafes and went out for dinner. Also on the drive home we stopped at a shopping centre and got my 2 girls measured for new shoes.

I was very much expecting to wake Saturday morning and find myself in crash mode, but I didn't. All day I was waiting for it. I sorted all the holiday stuff and put it away, did the washing, still no crash... We went out to get the few bits of school uniform needed for next term, still nothing... I cooked a nice dinner, now quite tired but not what I would call crash.

So when will it come? 

I know it will come, but when? 

It's an odd sensation feeling well when you know you shouldn't. Kind of like living on borrowed time, or borrowed energy.

I know I need to take it easy for a few days now, because the energy I am feeling isn't real. If I keep going like I have been it will catch up with me and the crash will be far worse. But how do you stop yourself being busy when you do feel up to it? How do you do less than you feel capable of doing? 

These are questions I will never know the answer to, yet I will constantly ask.