Anxiety returns

I haven't written much about anxiety here on my blog. Thankfully these days it isn't a huge problem, well that was until last week.

My bodies favourite party trick is to pass out, mostly when there is something slightly squiffy going on with my stomach. It happened enough to get noticed when I was a kid and in very particular episodes since I've been an adult.

A few years ago I was quite unwell but had to walk my daughter to the end of the road to hand her over to someone else to take her to school. I made it almost all the way home before collapsing on the pavement. That episode sparked a year of pretty intense anxiety relating to leaving the house on my own.

Well, I've been feeling squiffy for a couple of weeks, nothing major, just stomach pain, nausea, and quite frankly I'm getting bored of it now. I roped in others to help with the school run when I actually felt like passing out was a possibility, but last Friday I felt alright, nauseous and in pain, but alright. That was until I really wasn't alright. I found myself laying on the floor at the school gate watching the other parents filter past me (I may have made that sound a little more dramatic than it was). Luckily a group of my friends were there and promptly got me a lift home and collected the kids. Sorted.

Except now, I'm still not right, still nauseous, generally not 100% and really rather anxious about the school gate.

I am a compulsively early person which means I often spend great chunks of time waiting at the school gate. This week I have tried very very hard to leave later and be "on time" but still found myself early. This afternoon I arrived 4 mins before the gate opened and it took every trick I know not to have a full blown panic attack. Which is utterly ridiculous.

I've come home tired, fed up of feeling ill and quite stressed about how this anxiety is escalating.

Anyway, there isn't really a point to this except to let people know where I am at so they can distract me when I undoubtedly continue to arrive early.

Flare

I appear to be having what I am going to call an ME flare. Which I would say is worse than a crash but not as bad as a relapse.

I did far too much through December. I ignored the odd symptom that reared it's head and I pushed through. I did this because I was having a glimpse of a "normal" life and I wanted it to be mine. And now I really wish I hadn't!

I started feeling the onset of this "flare" before Christmas but I continued to push on. It wasn't until the kids went back to school that it has really begun to take hold. Three weeks on and I still feel like I am getting worse not better, I am getting different symptoms coming back everyday.

I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I have been utterly miserable the last few weeks. Feeling this illness grab a hold of me again, I can't even begin to describe how that feels, having been doing so well.

I have been beating myself up about it over and over again (which of course only makes it worse). One of the ways in which I've been beating myself up has been pushing my friends and any help offered away. I've been deliberately not engaging in conversation, avoiding eye contact. Partly because any sympathy offered is likely to make me cry and I don't have the energy for that!

But as I said I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself! I need to regain my positivity. Remember how to pace from square one again, how to look after myself. And most of all how to BEAT THIS!

I CAN DO THIS!

Send me strength and spoons x

Friendships

I have always been one of those people who gets on with everyone, who doesn't stand out from the crowd, doesn't voice opinions and spends a lot of time in my own company - with or without the ME.

Perhaps this is why when I was a teen I liked having my hair various shades of blue and purple. It made me stand out a bit and became something of a conversation starter.

I have always had trouble making friends. Perhaps I come across as odd, I don't know...

When in a group of people I tend to have trouble contributing to conversations, not because I don't have anything to say but because I can't find a way in. I usually try a couple of times and then give up and sit there smiling and nodding. Again this has always been the case with or without the ME.
The ME does make it harder as when I do talk I loose my train of thought easily, forget simple everyday words and muddle my words up, especially when I'm a bit tired.

I had some good friends when I was at school, but once I left at 16 I gradually lost touch with them. We are still in contact thanks to the joys of Facebook, but I wouldn't call them friends in the true sense. In that we don't talk regularly, we don't share our lives - more than just reading what the other is doing, and we can't depend on each other for support when needed.

I suppose though these days it isn't all that clear cut. I have good friends online who I can moan to if I'm a bit down or in need of support. I have friends locally who can help me out if I need something from the shops, or help with the kids.
What I miss is having a friend that comes round often for that cup of tea and a catch up.