Flare

I appear to be having what I am going to call an ME flare. Which I would say is worse than a crash but not as bad as a relapse.

I did far too much through December. I ignored the odd symptom that reared it's head and I pushed through. I did this because I was having a glimpse of a "normal" life and I wanted it to be mine. And now I really wish I hadn't!

I started feeling the onset of this "flare" before Christmas but I continued to push on. It wasn't until the kids went back to school that it has really begun to take hold. Three weeks on and I still feel like I am getting worse not better, I am getting different symptoms coming back everyday.

I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I have been utterly miserable the last few weeks. Feeling this illness grab a hold of me again, I can't even begin to describe how that feels, having been doing so well.

I have been beating myself up about it over and over again (which of course only makes it worse). One of the ways in which I've been beating myself up has been pushing my friends and any help offered away. I've been deliberately not engaging in conversation, avoiding eye contact. Partly because any sympathy offered is likely to make me cry and I don't have the energy for that!

But as I said I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself! I need to regain my positivity. Remember how to pace from square one again, how to look after myself. And most of all how to BEAT THIS!

I CAN DO THIS!

Send me strength and spoons x

Different types of tired

Through having M.E. I have come to learn that there are different types of tired.

In everyday life;
There's the satisfyingly tired where you've been busy, exercised, achieved things and are then worn out by the end of the day.
Then there's the frustratingly ill tired where you can't move no matter how much you want to get up and do things you just can't.

When you add M.E. into the mix it gets trickier. For when you are satisfyingly tired through having done something, perhaps too much, you're body aches and the chances of actually being able to sleep well are greatly reduced.
Then when you are ill tired, although now perhaps able to sleep no amount of sleep will fix this state of tiredness.

On a slightly related note, I bumped into a friend yesterday who I know has been feeling under the weather lately so I asked how she was feeling. She was about to answer then stopped herself and said she really can't moan to me about it. I realise I have been particularly active in advertising my M.E. (With last week being M.E. awareness week), but I believe everyone has a right to moan if they are feeling rubbish no matter what the circumstance.

Everyone is fighting their own battles and your level of hardship is still hard to you even if it feels insignificant next to someone else's.

Some of my M.E. friends have it a lot worse than me, they struggle day to day with severe M.E. are housebound apart from hospital appointments, but still offer unconditional support to me and others with my level of the illness even though we are significantly healthier.

Having M.E. doesn't make you uncaring for others with minor ailments, if anything it has made me even more mindful of looking out for others feeling rough, and offering them my care and attention, probably because I know only too well how lonely it is to be ill.

"People will forget what you did, people will forget what you said, but people will never forget how you made them feel" - Maya Angelou