Anxiety returns

I haven't written much about anxiety here on my blog. Thankfully these days it isn't a huge problem, well that was until last week.

My bodies favourite party trick is to pass out, mostly when there is something slightly squiffy going on with my stomach. It happened enough to get noticed when I was a kid and in very particular episodes since I've been an adult.

A few years ago I was quite unwell but had to walk my daughter to the end of the road to hand her over to someone else to take her to school. I made it almost all the way home before collapsing on the pavement. That episode sparked a year of pretty intense anxiety relating to leaving the house on my own.

Well, I've been feeling squiffy for a couple of weeks, nothing major, just stomach pain, nausea, and quite frankly I'm getting bored of it now. I roped in others to help with the school run when I actually felt like passing out was a possibility, but last Friday I felt alright, nauseous and in pain, but alright. That was until I really wasn't alright. I found myself laying on the floor at the school gate watching the other parents filter past me (I may have made that sound a little more dramatic than it was). Luckily a group of my friends were there and promptly got me a lift home and collected the kids. Sorted.

Except now, I'm still not right, still nauseous, generally not 100% and really rather anxious about the school gate.

I am a compulsively early person which means I often spend great chunks of time waiting at the school gate. This week I have tried very very hard to leave later and be "on time" but still found myself early. This afternoon I arrived 4 mins before the gate opened and it took every trick I know not to have a full blown panic attack. Which is utterly ridiculous.

I've come home tired, fed up of feeling ill and quite stressed about how this anxiety is escalating.

Anyway, there isn't really a point to this except to let people know where I am at so they can distract me when I undoubtedly continue to arrive early.

Kickscoot the Coast: Walmer - Capel-le-ferne

Walmer to Capel-le-ferne.

Well as you may have noticed I didn't quite make it to Folkstone!

That was the most physically, mechanically and mentally challenging route so far. Very hilly. Not well signposted.

Coming out of Kingsdown I asked a local which way the cycle route went as there were no signs, he told me which way it went, then gave me a nicer route to take along the cliffs, which was great, completely off road and some nice coastal views.

Next step was getting into Dover which I had been worried about, but actually this proved fairly straight forward too, well signposted choice of cycle routes. However getting out of Dover again proved difficult. All the signage stopped, looking at the map was telling me where the path should go, but I couldn't find it.

I ended up on a national trust coastal path up over the cliffs out of Dover. Which gave fabulous views, but was unrideable. Also at the far end of this path where I found the cycle path again (hoorah), there was a swing gate. No way could the scooter get through. I stood for quite a while on this deserted path wondering how best to proceed. I couldn't bear the thought of going back the way I had just come so I decided to find some super strength and lift the scooter over the fence and back onto the cycle path!

Next followed lots of very bumpy off road path ways, and a few more hills for good measure.

By this point I was pretty knackered from all the walking up hills and bumpy path ways and the scooters battery was reading empty so sadly I had to stop with Folkstone in sight.

There were points on today's ride that made me wonder if I am completely crazy for undertaking this trek. But also some fabulous views amongst the mist which is ever present on this part of the coast.

It will be a few weeks before I can try the next section due to birthdays and new bathrooms. I haven't been completely put off today just a little disheartened.

If you would like to you can sponsor me here.

Here are the links to the previous sections of this trek;

Whitstable - Broadstairs
Broadstairs - Walmer

ME Awareness 2017

It is that time of year again, ME Awareness week. In previous years I have been a princess, a superhero, "gone blue", and donated various handmade items to auctions and raffles. This year I am not doing any specific fundraising, apart from my on going "Kickscoot the coast".

This year I would like to talk to you about hope and improvement.

I am a great believer that when there is hope there is a way and that it is so important for those suffering with ME and their carers to always have hope and never to give up.

If you or your loved one has ME you have to be in it for the long haul. There is no quick fix. It is tough. It is brutal. Basically it sucks big time. But it is also a journey filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. Sometimes the downs feel bottomless and the highs short lived, but you must never give up.

I am lucky to find myself in a fairly good patch at the moment. Recently I have been looking back over the last day or week thinking I couldn't have done that a year ago. Which is such a tremendous boost!
I know this is a high and unlikely to be maintainable but I shall enjoy it while it lasts (and be thoroughly miserable when it ends!).

But even through the regular highs and lows I can see an ongoing improvement. The lows aren't as low or don't last as long, the highs are higher and higher. I wouldn't go as far to say an end is in sight, but improvement is there all the same.

The specialist I saw when I was first diagnosed (some 16 years ago) used to ask me to measure my health in %, 0 being bed bound and 100 being fit and able to work full time. I would say at the beginning of this relapse (4years ago) I was down as low as 20%, now in this particular high I think I'm around 70%. Which, written down like that is huge improvement!

Grand Plans #1 Kayaking

You may remember I started this year with some grand plans. Well now they are more than just plans!

I managed to rope in a couple of good friends and did a kayaking taster session in a local pool! It was great fun, hard work, but fun! I seemed to survive it with only a handful of days of payback fatigue, which is great!
We were invited down to have a go in the sea on a weekend, but I think we will save that for the warmer months!

Next on the list is rock climbing, I've found an indoor center we can do a taster session at and have friends at the ready to come too. However I am experiencing a minor setback due to a nasty virus so I'm not too sure when I will be up for this, but fingers crossed it will be sometime in March. I can't wait!

Also on the list was a Leeds Castle Segway experience. I've had this on my wishlist for a couple of years so when I saw a voucher for it on Groupon the other day I just had to book it! So yay, that will have to happen before the end of May!!!

As for tattoos, I now know exactly what I would like, where I would like it and have a good idea of who is going to do it for me. Will need to save up some pennies for those though, and figure out the logistics, not knowing how I will react to it, but that is a huge step forward!

My friends have decided there should be a new experience every month, so we might need to come up with even more ideas, watch this space!

Electric Mayhem!

You may remember Kermit, Kermit was my lifeline when my eldest started school. It was the only way I could ferry her to and from school. It was a way to get out of the house without being reliant on others.
For a very long time even with the help of Kermit I was still a quivering wreck by the end of the week most weeks.

Kermit spent 3 years with us doing the school run, but with both girls there now and getting bigger (now 7&5) it was becoming apparent that they were getting too big to be on the back.

So back to the drawing board we went. I am a lot better (most of the time) than I was 3 years ago when we got Kermit, but I'm still not up to the walk on a twice daily basis and still have big ups and downs. I wasn't keen on an electric bicycle, still don't want a mobility scooter or a car... Hmm, how about a scooter, an electric one at that?

Well first I ordered one of those "electric scooters" which are basically a kids scooter. It took me a whole 100yrds before it gave up. Then I ordered the adult version which weighed in at 40kgs and quite frankly looked scary, so we sent that back. 

Then I came across adult kick scooters. It was a revelation. Basically a bicycle that you stand on, so I challenged my husband to convert one to electric for me! 

We had lots of hurdles a false start or two, but I have now been riding around on it since the end of July!

My girls discovered a love of cycling this summer and together we racked up about 80 miles through the holidays, it was amazing to be able to leave the house with them and for them to come back more tired than me (well once maybe)!

Now school has started back the girls can ride, scoot or walk to school and I can safely ride along behind them keeping them safe, perfect!
I'm not sure how enthusiastic they will be when the cold wet weather sets in, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

So Kermit has now gone to a new home where it is still getting plenty of use and is much loved by the new owners.

So without further ado let me introduce "Electric Mayhem"!

Confessions of a hairless ME

Well it has been one week since I took the plunge and shaved all my hair off!

In the week leading up to the event people kept stopping me and asking if I was nervous - I was not. Then people seemed keen to come and watch, so I opened it up to have people around to watch.

On the morning of the event I was exhausted and more nervous about having an audience then I was having my hair shaved off!

Half way through the cutting my eldest daughter (6) disappeared upstairs, when it was finished and I went to find her she was in her bed crying and she wouldn't look at me. She said she didn't like my new hair. I told her to remember that I was still me and what I look like makes no difference to who I am. She did eventually appear back downstairs (with a little hot chocolate bribery), and after not very long was wanting to take me out and show me off to everyone!

My husband who is hairless had warned me that it would be cold, but I wasn't quite prepared for the sensation of having no hair!

It has been a cold rainy week here, so mostly when leaving the house I have been in a hat. Not because I don't want to show off my new hair, but because I'm not quite ready to get a cold wet head!

I have managed 1 or 2 school runs without the hat which have only met with positive comments.

But here are my 'confessions'.

I couldn't look in a mirror until Wednesday without thinking "wow that's strange, what did I do!"

I can't stop running my hands threw it - it is a lovely feeling.

It is surprisingly cold and I have spent much time in the house wearing a hat!

I am amazed at how quickly it grows!

It does look better than I had feared it might, though I don't love it as much as I had hoped!

It has taken away the irritation that I often feel with my hair, but has left me with a new irritation, but I am hoping that will pass as it grows a little.

All in all I am thrilled with how much money I have made for the ME Association, very pleased I have finally gone through with it, and haven't experienced any negativity only a couple of odd looks and double takes.