Flare

I appear to be having what I am going to call an ME flare. Which I would say is worse than a crash but not as bad as a relapse.

I did far too much through December. I ignored the odd symptom that reared it's head and I pushed through. I did this because I was having a glimpse of a "normal" life and I wanted it to be mine. And now I really wish I hadn't!

I started feeling the onset of this "flare" before Christmas but I continued to push on. It wasn't until the kids went back to school that it has really begun to take hold. Three weeks on and I still feel like I am getting worse not better, I am getting different symptoms coming back everyday.

I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I have been utterly miserable the last few weeks. Feeling this illness grab a hold of me again, I can't even begin to describe how that feels, having been doing so well.

I have been beating myself up about it over and over again (which of course only makes it worse). One of the ways in which I've been beating myself up has been pushing my friends and any help offered away. I've been deliberately not engaging in conversation, avoiding eye contact. Partly because any sympathy offered is likely to make me cry and I don't have the energy for that!

But as I said I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself! I need to regain my positivity. Remember how to pace from square one again, how to look after myself. And most of all how to BEAT THIS!

I CAN DO THIS!

Send me strength and spoons x

New Year - New You?

Tis the season for re-evaluating life, figuring out what is important and if/how things need to change.

I have just had possibly the busiest December since I stopped working pantomimes. Looking back it is mostly a blur and I now feel worse than I have in months.

To the extent that during December many old symptoms returned like over sensitivities - on one particular day I actually wanted to pull my hair out, so I shaved it off instead. My sleep patterns have become disturbed again, with night sweats, many many dreams and early hours waking. Not to mention some brand new symptoms. So it is definitely time now to rest and try and find my way back to a better place.

It was my birthday yesterday. As a rule I like birthdays, but I don't like having a birthday on January 3rd. The lull after Christmas is never fun, everyone getting back to work, bad weather. So first change, perhaps from now on I should celebrate my birthday in July?

Second change. I enjoy crafting, but I don't enjoy selling. I didn't much enjoy the craft fairs I did in December. I found them stressful to prepare for and to participate in. So perhaps this year all art and craft should be souly for myself. Which leaves me with the slight conundrum of what to do with the stock that didn't sell - but I see many random acts of kindness, abandoning projects in their future, which makes me happy.

I plan to revisit art journalling and give bullet journalling a go.

This time last year I wrote a bucket list, over the course of the year I ticked off kayaking, Segway at Leeds castle and made a start on my epic kickscoot the coast. I think I need to update the list with new ideas but I would like to tick a few more items off the list this year, perhaps rock climbing and snow tubing?

I would also like to get further in my scoot. So far I have covered 111 miles and have got to Bexhill-On-Sea.  The rest of the journey is going to be far slower progress the further away I get but I am very much looking forward to the challenge.

I discovered geocaching last year. I knew about before, but had never given it a try. I am still very much a beginner, but it has taken us as a family to places we wouldn't otherwise have visited and given us more time together and outside having fun. So this year my aim is to do more of this. There is a very social local group so I hope to join them for some get togethers too.