Waiting for the crash

Crashes are strange things

Sometimes if I have a friend round for the afternoon I can feel myself getting more and more tired and by the time they go I can hardly move. I think of this as a mini crash as it doesn't seem to flow over into the following days (or not too badly anyway).

Other times I seem to be able to get away with doing much more but the crash is delayed. 

Take this week for example, I went on a mini holiday. 5 hours in the car there, 2 nights in a hotel, 7 hours in the car on the way home. That in itself is exhausting, but then add to that I was constantly surrounded by people, family, children, noise. During those 3 days we ventured to 2 parks, an animal petting farm, had a picnic, went to 2 cafes and went out for dinner. Also on the drive home we stopped at a shopping centre and got my 2 girls measured for new shoes.

I was very much expecting to wake Saturday morning and find myself in crash mode, but I didn't. All day I was waiting for it. I sorted all the holiday stuff and put it away, did the washing, still no crash... We went out to get the few bits of school uniform needed for next term, still nothing... I cooked a nice dinner, now quite tired but not what I would call crash.

So when will it come? 

I know it will come, but when? 

It's an odd sensation feeling well when you know you shouldn't. Kind of like living on borrowed time, or borrowed energy.

I know I need to take it easy for a few days now, because the energy I am feeling isn't real. If I keep going like I have been it will catch up with me and the crash will be far worse. But how do you stop yourself being busy when you do feel up to it? How do you do less than you feel capable of doing? 

These are questions I will never know the answer to, yet I will constantly ask.

Friendships

I have always been one of those people who gets on with everyone, who doesn't stand out from the crowd, doesn't voice opinions and spends a lot of time in my own company - with or without the ME.

Perhaps this is why when I was a teen I liked having my hair various shades of blue and purple. It made me stand out a bit and became something of a conversation starter.

I have always had trouble making friends. Perhaps I come across as odd, I don't know...

When in a group of people I tend to have trouble contributing to conversations, not because I don't have anything to say but because I can't find a way in. I usually try a couple of times and then give up and sit there smiling and nodding. Again this has always been the case with or without the ME.
The ME does make it harder as when I do talk I loose my train of thought easily, forget simple everyday words and muddle my words up, especially when I'm a bit tired.

I had some good friends when I was at school, but once I left at 16 I gradually lost touch with them. We are still in contact thanks to the joys of Facebook, but I wouldn't call them friends in the true sense. In that we don't talk regularly, we don't share our lives - more than just reading what the other is doing, and we can't depend on each other for support when needed.

I suppose though these days it isn't all that clear cut. I have good friends online who I can moan to if I'm a bit down or in need of support. I have friends locally who can help me out if I need something from the shops, or help with the kids.
What I miss is having a friend that comes round often for that cup of tea and a catch up.